


JOHN WINCHESTER: DEAD BEAT DAD AND MAN WHORE

by MissyJack



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-04-25
Updated: 2009-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:01:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28586151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissyJack/pseuds/MissyJack
Summary: Written on 25 April 2009 after the broadcast of Supernatural episode Jump The Shark.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	JOHN WINCHESTER: DEAD BEAT DAD AND MAN WHORE

**Author's Note:**

> for the lulz

I've been reading reviews of last night's episode and I see the CULT OF JOHN is alive and well AND MAKING SOFT COCK APOLOGIES FOR HIM.

He was NO HERO. Unless by HERO you mean STALE OLD SANDWICH full of fermented reformed meat and slimy cheese.

  
JOHN WINCHESTER WAS AN ASSHOLE.

I keep reading posts saying "oh he was a MAN. He had NEEDS and JUICES. He did the best he could. His life was hard, yo."

WELL FUCK THAT SHIT.

John's wife gets killed and what does he do? Protect and raise her sons in a loving safe environment, like she would've wanted? NO. In a typically MALE FASHION he gets Into a PISSING MATCH with a demon. And not just the one that killed Mary. OH NO. He has to go poking ever supernatural thing n the lower 48 WITH A STICK. TALK ABOUT TESTOSTERONE POISONING. And where are those POOR CHILDREN? Left alone in seedy motel rooms or even worse with a string of dubiously SINGLE BEARDED MEN like Bobby and Jim.

FINE LIFE FOR JOHN THO. He gets to cruIse around the country in his NOT AT ALL A SUBSTITUTE FOR MY SMALL PENIS imapala AND COLLECTION OF really phallic WEAPONS. KILLING THINGS AND SCREWING CHICKS. Nice work if you can get it JOHN BOY. Just like the GOOD OL DAYs in vietnam although there was probably a disappointing lack of opium dens in SOUTH DAKOTA.

SO. 1990. Dean's 11, Sammy still not chubby and 7. SOMEWHEN between the time you left Dean to look after Sam and the Striga nearly got him. Oh and the great Christmas of 1991 they spent alone in the COCKROACH INN. Where were you John? Screwing your way through the Accident and Emergency Departments of mid-West hospitals??? Probably faking injuries for A PITY FUCK and some morphine.

So you screw Kate Milligan. You and your youthful JAVIER BARDEM good looks. Slipping your wedding ring into the back pocket of your jeans. PITY YOU DIDN’T HAVE A CONDOM IN THERE. Did you even think twice when you came inside her SHOOTING her full of WINJIZZ like a ghost full of rocksalt. Or was it some sort of VIRILITY thing to counter the fact that you really knew DEEP DOWN you were a SOFT COCK LOSER???

2002\. Kid called Adam calls. HEY DARTH I'M YOUR SON. And John FATHER OF THE YEAR Winchester comes running. Coz you know 2002 great year. Sam struggling for NORMAL leaves and John in his usual supportive way says FUCK OFF AND DON’T COME BACK LOSER. how dar you rebel and go to STANFORD YOU POOF. And Dean is dealing with more DADDY ISSUES than BABY JESUS. Busy trying to perfect his mini-John drag act. And JOHN is all HEY ANOTHER KID to FUCK OVER \o/ And does a little victory dance.

So JOHN FAIL WINCHESTER turns up in WINDOM - which should be called FAILDOM - and photoshops himself into Kate and Adams life. But he's only PASTEDE ON YA, turning up for the odd bit of fish murdering and gambling instruction. OH YEAH. And once he says to DEAN "hey you know that IMPALA I gave you which you hold as the only tangible symbol of my love. WELL I NEED TO borrow it to teach my BASTARD SON to drive in." FUN TIMES. And Dean makes his 3,000 submission to FUCKMYLIFE.COM

And obviously PAPA JOHN did a WINNING job bonding with Adam because the kid hadn't even called him for OVER TWO YEARS. And of course John never TRUSTED Sam and Dean enough to share the little HEY YOU’VE GOT A BROTHER info with them. SO MUCH FOR FAMILY IS EVERYTHING FAILCHESTER.

SO JOHN YOU FAILED EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE AND I BET MARY WISHES SHE'D SAVED SKINNER INSTEAD OF YOU WAY BACK WHEN. NO WONDER YOU DIDNT BREAK IN HELL. You were already an HEARTLESS PRICK when you went there.

JOHN WINCHESTER. YOU ARE DEAD TO ME.

Unless we get Surpise!JDM for an episode, in which case you will be very alive and making my panties wet.

.

*opinions expressed in this post do not necessarily reflect those held by the management. They should be taken with a swig of holy water and a large pinch of rock salt.


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